Time for a little reflection…

 

Hello,

Today’s post is a little odd, I do not want people who are reading to feel like I am venting even though I in theory technically am. I’m not sure how else I could share this without doing it in this sort of outlet.

Over the past five years a lot has happened and a lot has changed. At the age of 19 I was happily engaged and was looking at venues for weddings and looking at wedding dresses, unfortunately something went wrong and that relationship ended. I thought previously that I had been in love before this time, but I hadn’t. This had been the real deal for me and just unfortunately it didn’t work out as planned. I guess it was really hard for me, mostly because I hadn’t felt like I worth anything until I met this person, they made me feel very special and like a human being. This was a very messy relationship on both parts, this was a very hard time for both of us and we just both dealt with things very differently which is what in theory made the relationship suffer.

This relationship ended almost four years ago now and there is still times when my mind begins to wonder what life would have been like if everything had gone to plan, would I still be as happy as I was then, or would another bump in the path changed this and we would still not be together.

Reflection is something I never usually do, I like to keep everything inside and not have to deal with things at the time or any time to be honest. It was a very hard time though, I remember that pain I felt every day knowing that my family didn’t approve of him and how they did not speak to me for a few months unless we broke up. This was a very trying time for everyone that was involved, I thought back then that I was so lonely. I was wrong the few years after, I was a shell of what I once was and to be honest I have never returned to the person that I was then, that was when I truly felt alone. The only person who had seen the true me and the person I have ever felt the most comfortable with was lost.

 

The thing that saddens me the most about this situation is there isn’t anything I could possibly do in the world that could change anything about this, if down the line anything were to develop here I would lose my family again. It is a no win situation for anyone involved. With everyone’s first love, they will always love them and forgive them for anything that has occurred, but time does move on. I have a new partner and so does my ex-fiancé.  We all learn to move on, time is a healer as they say. There is still a sadness when you see someone else living what was your life.

Something that I will always feel bad about until the day I die, is the fact that this guy never got a chance, he never got a chance to redeem himself, I never let him get his chance. He was dismissed and all contact had to be cut, a lot of hate was built up and it wasn’t good. After this relationship ended I got very unwell and ended up in hospital for a week, he came to visit even though he knew he was risking everything coming to see me. The way I treated this individual back then was awful, yes there is a lot of messy stuff that happened which made a lot of doubt appear, but I should never have made this person so isolated.

After all of this, I felt like I had to put up this barrier against this person, that I had to pretend to my family how much I hated them just because of how much they hated him and how much I thought they wanted me to. Yes there was anger, but not because of what had happened because I had just lost the person I have been the most close to in all my life, and I can guarantee I ever will. I have over the last year been in contact with this person, I would like to say we are friends, nowhere near the same way as we were both. There is no way I could ever tell my family this as the outcome of that would do me no favours.

I’m one of those people that over time, life is way too short to fuck around (excuse my language) but I can forgive people, be friends with who I feel I’m happy with. I know that even though everything that happened this person is always there for me and I hope they can see that I am always there for them. My life is my life, I can live it in any way I see fit. If people aren’t happy with it, then it’s not my problem.

 

 

To this person I am sorry for not being able to help and not being there for you when you were suffering just as much as I was. As I have grown older I have kept my fondness for you, I am not on this earth to hate people, I am here to be there to forgive when people make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, I have made many in my life and I still have a lot more waiting in the pipe line for me to make also, just like everyone else. I should have maybe told this person all of this years ago but to be honest I wasn’t mature enough to have said these things then, but I am happy enough saying them now, and I apologise as they are long overdue.

 

 

There is so much pain, suffering, disease and so many other things in this world, a lot more heavy stuff is going on out there. Why should we all be bogged down on tiny little details like peoples mistakes. For anyone who reads this who knows the above situation and is unhappy with my choices I would like to say that I do not care much. Like I have said here it is my choice and I am happy with the choice I have made. Anyone who would rather see this not being the case obviously are unaware of how much the above situation affected me, more so years later than at the actually time, but no one would know that because no one ever asked. And if they even had I would never have been able to give the true answer as that is not what they would have wanted to hear.  

Over the years I have changed not just physically but very much so mentally. I’m happy with the place I am at now, what has happened in the past has helped me grow into the person I am now. I will never truly find someone that I would be 100% myself with but I’m happy that the people who I am close with know a portion of me that I am willing to share.

This post was not only venting but quite personal. I just felt that I had to get this off my chest because I think it’s been sitting here for the last few years and it really had to get out. It may seem a bit more deep than my usual posts, but like I said I had to get it off my chest.

 

Thank you for reading

Katy

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P.S  - I would also just like to add in no way am I saying I am unhappy with the life I live now. I am very happy with my life and I wouldn’t change it.